I’ve noticed something these last weeks, and it has to do with Facebook and Instagram.
Facebook and Instagram have never really made me feel bad about myself or my life before. They’ve never made me feel insecure or guilty. They’ve never stoked the flames of shame or made me feel like I’m not enough, and not doing enough.
But this month is different.
This month is different on so many fronts, isn’t it? I hardly even know where to start. I’ve worked as a psychologist who specializes in stress, trauma, and resilience dynamics as they apply to/in high-pressure and emergency situations for more than 15 years now, and I’ve never seen so many people so stressed out all at the same time.
And that makes sense. We’re seeing a truly global crisis unravel our way of life and disrupt… well, everything. Every. Thing.
What often causes trauma is encountering unpredictable and threatening events that we can’t control. Everyone’s brain is basically camping out in “ALERT!! ALERT!!” territory a lot of the time right now, because most of us are rational thinking beings, and the reality is that the larger situation with COVID-19 is largely unpredictable, poses real threats to us and loved ones, and is largely outside our control.
There’s a lot we can’t control right now. We can’t control what’s going to happen with COVID-19, the economy, the stock market, and maybe even our job. We can’t control what governments will decide to do about country and state borders, and when we’ll be able to travel again. We can’t even control how much toilet paper we’re able to buy.
Of course, there is still a lot we can control here. We can control how we spend our time (to some extent, anyway), the media and news reports we are consuming, what we focus on, and how we love the people living with us in our own little lifeboats.
So what’s happening in my little lifeboat? Well, Mike and I have never both been so busy with work at the same time.
Mike’s physically present in Australia, but working full time from our house as the Country Director for the Solomon Islands office. The Solomon Islands is in full pandemic preparedness mode. And as if COVID-19 weren’t enough, Vanuatu and the Solomons just got slammed by a monster Cat 5 cyclone, so the World Vision teams are hard at work over this Easter weekend doing emergency relief distributions and charting a course forward.
Numerous WV staff lost their houses and belongings, and some also lost family members. Because it’s World Vision’s policy not to use organizational resources to benefit its own staff (a move designed to prevent corruption) a gofundme has been set up to help them. You can find that here.
And as for me, for some reason there’s been a huge surge in demand for resources and virtual training in understanding and coping with anxiety, stress, and isolation. Go figure.
I’m often in meetings or on calls by 6 or 6:30 at the moment, and I’ve been cramming work into every spare crack in the day while also trying to oversee the kids schooling. Because, of course, our first grader and third grader are at home with us 24/7 now, and (I can barely bring myself to type this out) this is how things are likely to be for at least the next couple of months.
This is where Facebook and Instagram and me feeling bad about myself come in.
You see, I’ve seen lots of really cool things online that my friends are doing with their kids at the moment. There are kids in full costume and makeup performing the musical CATS. There are kids building and painting little post-boxes that they can use to pass letters and small treats back and forth with the neighbor kids. There are kids recreating Picassos on Easter eggs, sowing masks for healthcare workers, and learning Mandarin. There are four-year-olds baking gluten free sourdough bread.
OK, maybe I exaggerated a bit on that last one. Maybe that kid was six.
The point is, I realized last night that I’m starting to feel bad about what I’m not doing with our kids right now. I’m looking at these posts and I’m feeling one part inspired, one part connected to my friends, and one part stressed out.
The last thing any of us need right now is another reason to feel stressed out. So I’m calling “bull” on the voice in my head that’s telling me that if I just tried a little bit harder, or was a better person (more stable, more cheerful, more creative) that our kids, too, would cheerfully be performing musicals before breakfast.
There are so many things wrong with that train of thought—not least of which is the fact that musicals are not really my kids “thing”. Twirling flaming batons above their heads and putting on a fireshow, maybe, but not musicals. So today I’m summoning that voice out of the darkness and into the light. I’m staring it down and saying this…
Look. This is a global emergency. You are juggling work and parenting in a way you’ve never had to do before. Your main parenting mission here is to be calm, patient, and responsive. It’s to speak gently and kindly to the boys. It’s to pay attention to them—to put down the phone when they talk to you and to turn away from the computer when they walk in the office door. It’s to carve out some time to spend with them every day, and that time doesn’t need to be filled with fancy projects that aren’t exactly your forte, anyway.
You do you. Read out loud to them, play board games with them, and don’t be afraid to let them get a little bored. Let them play a bit more iPad and climb trees higher than your mama heart really wants them to. Fill the bath with water and soap and let them stay in there for an hour.
If you can just hang onto calm, patient, and responsive… you are winning. Bonus points if you also keep them fed and clean. And on days when you can’t hang onto patient and responsive, if you can give yourself grace, take a deep breath, and try again tomorrow, that is also winning.
So I’m not going to stop looking at Facebook and Instagram right now, and I’m not going to stop marveling at what you all are doing with your kids. I really do love seeing these glimpses into people’s lives and homes. I’m awed by the creativity, and I’m thrilled to think that so many of my friends are crafting special moments of connection and fun with their little people.
What I am going to do, however, is strive to sift out the inspiration and connection parts that come with seeing these posts and leave the shame and stressed-out parts in the dust. I’m going to remind myself that my mantras for this season are first and foremost calm, patient and responsive. And I’m going to tell myself sternly that any glitter, baking, fireshows and snakeskin-sewing projects are bonuses—unexpected and unnecessary bonuses worth celebrating and sharing when they happen.
What have you noticed during the last couple of weeks?
Are there any voices in your head that are making you feel guilty and stressing you out?
What do you need to say to them?
