To: Your Royal Babyness
From: Your Mother
Regarding: Pending termination of lactation services
This notice shall serve as your first and final written warning that your in-house lactation services are in imminent danger of being terminated by your maternal provider on the grounds that you are repeatedly and vociferously demanding said services between the hours of 8pm and 7am and that you are, at intervals, willfully engaging in behaviour that violates the safety and security of your maternal provider.
To wit, biting.
This behavior is in violation of the Family Rules of Conduct, specifically:
- Policy #14: Frequent and unprovoked night-time awakenings.
- Policy #15: Failure to self soothe in own crib.
- Policy #129: Assaulting a parent while being fed.
While your failure to adhere to the acceptable standards of behavior outlined in Policies 14 and 15 is regrettable, it is your violation of Policy #129 that has prompted today’s warning.
For the record, in response to your repeated assaults upon her person, your maternal provider has consistently administered corrective action, including:
- The temporary removal of services,
- Verbal admonishments; and
- Cheek flicking.
These sanctions have not produced any noticeable change in your behavior. To the contrary, you have been observed to laugh at such chastisement.
As you have recently come into the possession of two front teeth, it has become imperative that you cease and desist such biting immediately. Biting not only hurts, it risks damaging valuable nourishment and entertainment assets.
Please be advised that failure to adhere to the conditions of this written warning and continued unsatisfactory mandibular behavior while nursing will lead to more serious corrective action, up to and including termination of lactation services.
Sincerely,
Your Loving Mother
Uh oh. Is she serious?
11 comments
ha!
:). Thanks for leaving me a smile. Trying out a new comments system. Not sure I’m convinced yet… BTW, ankle still bad (bruised halfway up to my knee – it’s seriously impressive) but maybe some gentle yoga later this week? How’s Friday looking for you?
LOL – I love the written notice of behaviour unbecoming of a young male participant towards his provider!
“…entertainment assets….!”
(From someone married to a ‘boob man.’ I’m still laughing!)
BEYOND hysterical! Seriously, this was amazingly snort-worthy 😉
Call for a consultation. Babies want to keep breastfeeding. There are many, many ways to teach a baby not to bite. Your baby’s advocate doesn’t seem to be doing a good job.I suggest your baby gets
a new one.
Thanks Nikki! I’ve had a couple of people send along referrals along this line.
This is hilarious. I wish I’d have thought of something like this when I was nursing my oldest son! There are few things that hurt worse than being bitten by a nursing child. 🙂
This is so stinking hilarious! 🙂 Except for the biting. This will sound horrible, but what I’ve read to do is, when he bites, smush his face into your chest. NOT a knee-jerk reaction, to be sure, but theory is that it blocks his breathing just long enough to get him to let go. I’m thankful I haven’t had biters (yet anyway). Let me know if this actually works….By the way, your book arrived today, yay! I’m planning to break it out for the soon-to-come nursing sessions. Little guy is due in two days 😉
Wowweee! You must be so ready to meet the dude. I remember that last couple of days. They were a weird haze of life as normal and I half believed that the baby would never come. Ridiculous, I know. But I really couldn’t grasp it. Hope all goes well this week! Or, well, very soon, anyway. And, secondarily and far less importantly, I hope you enjoy the book.
Wowweee! You must be so ready to meet the little person. I remember that last couple of days. They were a weird haze of life as normal and I half believed that the baby would never come. Ridiculous, I know. But I really couldn’t grasp it. Hope all goes well this week! Or, well, very soon, anyway. And, secondarily and far less importantly, I hope you enjoy the book.
Comments are closed.