A Parent’s Guide to Navigating Pathological Demand Avoidance

I published this article with ADDitude Magazine in June this year, but didn’t get around to putting it up on my own website until today… 

What Is Pathological Demand Avoidance?

Learning about Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) — a profile characterized by intense, anxiety-driven resistance to everyday demands and expectations — finally helped me understand my son, Max, and how to support him.

During his early years, Max would frequently refuse to do what was asked of him and insist everything be done his way. He would inexplicably melt down or erupt in anger over seemingly minor issues. By the time he was 7, he had collected several diagnoses, including ADHD, autism, and ODD. Commonly suggested behavioral strategies for neurodivergent children — from setting clear rules to using checklists, visual timers, and liberally doling out praise — didn’t help. In fact, all they seemed to do was set up further power struggles where everyone lost.

If this story sounds familiar, learning about PDA may also help you.

Children with PDA have extremely reactive nervous systems that prime them to interpret requests and expectations as threats. Alongside this pressure-sensitivity lies an intense need for equity and autonomy. As such, children who fit the PDA profile need an approach that prioritizes collaboration over command and connection over compliance. They need a flexible, low-key, and low-demand parenting approach — an approach that, admittedly, did not come naturally to me and my husband. Oh, and did I mention that it requires parents to be very skilled at regulating their own emotions?

Ultimately, all parents raising unusually challenging kids want the same things. We all want to bring the best version of ourselves to our parenting. We all want a loving and stable connection with our child. We all want to feel less confused and overwhelmed and more confident, joyful, and hopeful along the way. We all want our kids — our complicated, wonderful kids — to thrive. To that end, here are the approaches that have helped us support our son more effectively and see positive change…

Read the rest of this article over at ADDitude Magazine.